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Bog Standard

Toilet humor has long been the reliable retreat in everyday journalism, and publications remain attentive of notable bog-related stories and key events, notably connected to soccer. Readers were entertained to find out that Big Website columnist a well-known presenter has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Consider the situation for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room somewhat too seriously, and had to be saved from an empty Oakwell stadium following dozing off in the toilet during halftime of a 2015 loss against Fleetwood Town. “He had no shoes on and couldn't find his phone and his headwear,” explained an official from the local fire department. And who can forget during his peak popularity at Manchester City, the Italian striker entered a community college for toilet purposes back in 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, before entering and requesting directions to the restrooms, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” a pupil informed a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking round the campus like he owned the place.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned as England manager post a quick discussion in a toilet cubicle alongside FA executive David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss by Germany in 2000 – the national team's concluding fixture at the legendary venue. As Davies recalls in his journal, his private Football Association notes, he entered the drenched beleaguered England dressing room directly following the fixture, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams motivated, both players begging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies located him seated – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, muttering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies worked frantically to salvage the situation.

“What place could we identify [for a chat] that was private?” stated Davies. “The passageway? Swarming with media. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with an England manager as players dived into the water. Just a single choice remained. The toilet cubicles. A crucial incident in the Three Lions' storied past occurred in the ancient loos of a venue scheduled for destruction. The coming demolition was almost tangible. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I closed the door after us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Consequences

Consequently, Keegan quit, eventually revealing he viewed his stint as England manager “soulless”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I struggled to occupy my time. I began working with the visually impaired team, the deaf team, working with the ladies team. It's a tremendously tough role.” Football in England has advanced considerably in the quarter of a century since. Regardless of improvement or decline, those stadium lavatories and those iconic towers are no longer present, whereas a German currently occupies in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This specific commemoration from one of England's worst moments is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Live Updates

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for Women's major tournament coverage concerning Arsenal's match against Lyon.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, wearing only our undergarments. We represented Europe's top officials, elite athletes, role models, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with strong principles … however all remained silent. We scarcely made eye contact, our looks wavered slightly nervously as we were summoned forward in pairs. There Collina inspected us completely with a freezing stare. Mute and attentive” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson reveals the humiliating procedures officials were once put through by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“What’s in a name? There exists a Dr Seuss poem named ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to manage the main squad. Total Steve progression!” – John Myles

“Since you've opened the budget and distributed some merchandise, I've opted to write and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou states that he picked fights on the school grounds with children he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware however the sole second-year prize I envision him securing along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the second division and that would be quite a challenge {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|